Spooky season silliness reported at Miller’s Nightmare Haunted Farm
By Matthew Young, RealWV
Located just north of Lewisburg is the old Miller Farm. Known to locals and visitors alike as “Miller’s Nightmare,” its reputation for being a “haunted farm” has grown over the years. And as more and more ghost stories are told of the boogeymen that inhabit the farm’s woods and cornfields, the legend of Miller’s Nightmare Haunted Farm has become a metaphor for terrible tales of terrifying terror.
Recently, intrepid reporter Stephen Baldwin launched an investigation into the strange and inexplicable occurrences at the Miller Farm. Due to the risks involved, Baldwin’s investigation was not sanctioned by The RealWV, and Baldwin embarked upon his quest at great personal risk. Choosing Friday, October 13 to begin his investigation, Baldwin set out with nothing more than his trusty Nikes’ and two chocolate chip cookies to sustain him.
Predictably, Baldwin has not been heard from since.
Exactly one week later, I, Matthew Young, slightly less intrepid reporter and Baldwin sidekick-extraordinaire, am on the case to locate the missing media mogul. Assuming that two chocolate chip cookies and nothing to drink will feed a grown man lost in the woods for probably like five days, I believe Baldwin has survived thus far on rain water and raw corn. However, I have not come alone. For moral support, and in case the need arises to fight off wild animals, I have brought along RealWV’s even more less intrepid reporter Autumn Shelton.
According to the farm’s caretaker Berkley Miller, Baldwin was last seen on the afternoon of Friday the 13th, speaking with Taser Girl. Known to be a frequenter of the farm, Taser Girl made headlines earlier in the year when she claimed on social media to be “taking off this haunting season” to enjoy some Halloween activities in her “human form.” It struck me as too coincidental that Taser Girl would then make an appearance at Miller’s on the day of Baldwin’s disappearance. However, that information is questionable as it comes directly from Berkley Miller. As someone who has been accused of transforming into a ghoul himself to frighten visitors, Berkeley Miller must be considered an unreliable source.
Unexplained disappearances have become commonplace at the Miller Farm. Just last year, rich men north of Richmond tried it in a small town, and vanished without a trace. Some say they were swallowed by the Demented Forest which surrounds Miller Manor. Others say that Baba Yaga, the old witch who resides in a hut on the property, took them to boil as a brew in her cauldron.
In the summer of 2021, an underground structure was unearthed on the property. This structure, known simply as “the Basement,” was seemingly the site of what can only be described as experiments against nature. It is in the basement where I believe the remains of these rich northerners can be found – still wearing skinny jeans and clutching the keys to a Tesla. I can only hope that Baldwin did not meet the same fate.
Before embarking upon our search and rescue mission, Shelton and I visited Miller’s Miscellaneous Monstrosities, the farm’s new merchandise retail store designed to embrace both capitalism, and West Virginia’s love of Halloween, to gather supplies. Now, armed with a flashlight, a roll of duct tape, a can of WD40, and a paper airplane, I will begin my brave and dangerous quest to rescue my wayward friend, for I alone possess the courage and strength to undertake such a perilous…
Oooh, funnel cake!
UPDATE:
This is more less intrepid reporter Autumn Shelton reporting from the old Miller Farm. After Stephen Baldwin’s disappearance last week while investigating reports of strange occurrences, and Matthew Young’s subsequent disappearance while in pursuit of a funnel cake, RealWV will allow no further investigations at Miller’s Nightmare Haunted Farm. This place is spooky.
If you’re brave enough to explore Miller’s Nightmare Haunted Farm for yourself, there are still four more chances this Halloween-season to do so. In addition to the Nightmare, there’s fun games, great food, challenging escape rooms, and the awesome new merchandise store. The attraction is open Friday and Saturday nights throughout October. Gates open at 6:30 p.m. For more information, including a complete schedule and directions to the farm, or to purchase tickets, visit millersnightmare.com.
RealWV will provide updates if our reporters ever turn up. If you happen to find either Baldwin or Young, please return them to RealWV. There is no reward for their safe return, but we sure would like to have them back!
This is Autumn Shelton signing off.
